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I'm a dumpster fire
I have no sense of humor, poor grammar, and my spelling is atrocious. Don't blame me if you enjoy my postings. I don't get to express myself much in emails, so this is fun for me. You know what else I find fun? A whoopee cushion.
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Not feeling it.
Posted:Jul 21, 2020 7:07 pm
Last Updated:Jul 27, 2020 3:30 am

Sorting through my feelings is hard. I have a lot of life behind me, and just sex doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I’m social. I need to do things socially besides sex.

Sex, for sex sake, doesn’t make me happy. I love the adventure around it. I couldn’t stop myself last week when it seemed like I had a clear path to getting in bed with someone new. Not just a path, she paved an eight-lane highway for me. I believed I was seducing them, but now I know. She was seducing me and was just bad at it.

I fucked up really bad in the past with my own enlightenment. I had a sure thing going with this woman for almost a year. Every time I met up with her, sex. The sex was awesome. Only, she wouldn’t go out in public with me. Couldn’t get her to go out to dinner with me, go for walks, take dance lessons. She wouldn’t let another person in the same room as me. Wanted me to hide in the bedroom if someone knocked on her door. Her hidden secret, like most vibrators.

I was slow to catch on, after all, sexually I was being satisfied. I have a high libido and she had a high one too. Sometimes it was twice a day with her, and on Saturdays, Sundays, more.

Six months in, right after we had early morning sex. I asked her if she would go to IHOP with me. She declined. She declined every offer of doing anything that wasn’t in her bed or on her couch. For the next couple of months, I accepted it. She really blossomed during those months, getting better and better sexually. We talked, but never outside of her house.

Eventually, I had to travel out of town for work and offered to let her stay in the hotel with me over the weekend. That was our break up point. I worked. She managed other people over the phone from home. She was embarrassed to be seen with me in public. Which I found ironic because I met her at Chili’s bar, in public. We parted.

Saturday morning, I went over to the couple’s house as I had committed. She let me in. This time, she was in a pretty lacey nightgown.

Her husband was on the couch, wearing a face mask, sleeping. I could smell vomit coming from a small wastebasket set next to him.

“Does he have the Covid?” I asked.

“He drank the water up near where you live.” She said. Something about boiling water from the tap, whatever.

She led me up to their bedroom. She yawned three times before we got there.

“The ?” I asked.

“Staying the night with my mom.” She said.

The puke smell wouldn’t leave my nostrils. I got just inside the bedroom door when she started to kiss me, and I could smell alcohol on her breath. “Drinking early? “ I asked.

“I needed it for courage this morning.” She said, then she yawned again as we kissed.

“Maybe you should get some sleep instead,” I said and led her to the bed.

“but I want sex.” She said and yawned again. Her body movements were jerky and slow.

“How about you take a nap, and we all go out for breakfast or lunch, then have sex? I’m off all day.” I said.

“We can’t go out in public with you. What if someone sees us?” She said. I eased her under the covers.

That statement was a slap in face to me. I didn’t say anything. I lied with my smile. I cupped her tit to reassure her, but I knew this wasn’t for me. She closed her eyes.

I walked downstairs. Her husband didn’t move. The puke smell. Ugh, poor guy. I let myself out.

I don’t know what other people do to think. Me, I vacuumed my car and cleaned the interior of it. As it got hotter, I got a call around 10 from him. He was feeling better by his tone. I tested him. “I’m having lunch at Chisos Grill in an hour. I’ll buy if you two show up.”

“I could make it, but she won’t come.” He said.

“What if I pick somewhere else?” I asked.

“Well…ah….” He answered. I could hear her answer on the other side. So it was just sex and nothing else.

“Hey, anytime you want to hang out. Give me a call. You don’t have to bring her.” I said.

“I dunno if that’s a good idea. How about you bring it over here to eat?” He asked.

“I’m not waiting. Maybe we’ll talk later.” I said. I was already severing my connection to them. How to end on a positive note? I couldn’t think of anything. Luckily we just said goodbye. I thought for sure they would ghost me just like the last couple I talked to from this site.

I was angry. Not at them. At myself. I had fallen into sex is good enough but nothing else is trap…again. It’s the again part that is really bothering me. Luckily I got away with just two interactions, but I know me. If I was to go a month without someone touching me, I would reach out, even to them/her. Telling myself this time will be different. I hate my brain sometimes.

All that, and it gave me a headache. I wrote about my experience after that.

Sunday she called me. She sounded desperate on the phone. When I explained to her what I wanted, she cried. Telling me she couldn’t break up with her husband. That wasn’t what I said or wanted. For whatever reason, she thought she could read my mind. After the call, I laughed. I wanted something to bring me out of my boredom I had been feeling for a while. Does it have to be that extreme? Wrong assumptions and this is the weird part, even telling her right out, she said I found her ugly? It didn’t make any sense. She wasn’t ugly. This is the third girl to play the I'm ugly card on me, what gives?

What happened to all that bravado she showed me the first time? I’m letting it go, but it’s really hard to not think about it. I’m a fixer. Fixing things is what I do. Ugh! I hate throwing something in the trash because I couldn’t figure it out such as machines, people, etc. I know the simulation is laughing at me.
I’ve decided to blow up my life.
Posted:Jul 20, 2020 4:59 pm
Last Updated:Jul 21, 2020 2:49 am

I’m not committing suicide. Just, destroying relationships that are dragging me down.

First, I’ll start with the single mother next door. For twelve years, I’ve fixed every plumbing, computer, electrical problem, took care of her pets when she went on vacation and worked on the HOA for her.

That time I put myself in danger for her with her breakup with her ex. That time I intervened when her was bashing headlights on random cars in the neighborhood with a bat.

Sure, she gave me that gift card to the restaurant in the Domain. Plus, took my side in arguments in the HOA meltdowns. Plus, she cleaned out my flowerbed when I threw out my back at that time.

I’m done with her. She has a delivery sitting on my doorstep. Ugh.

The box is heavy. I’ll have to walk it over to her house.

BRB….la ti da…la ti da. (Carrying big heavy box next door.)

“Hey, got your package on my front porch,” I said.

“It’s for you.” She says.

“It’s for me? It’s your name. I guess that IS my address.” I said.

“It took a while to get here, but I ordered it over a week ago for you.” She said.

I opened the box….Four jars of my favorite pickles. “You bought these for me?” I said.

“The shipping cost twice as much as the pickles themselves. I think they are the last ones. That’s all the website would let me buy.” She said.

“I imagine so. Why?” I said.

“My favorite neighbor who fixed my sink on a Saturday night after ten pm, when it would have cost me a small fortune to get a plumber. Word gets around, especially when you are complaining that you needed a pickle after getting water all over your clothes.”

“Well, I did need a pickle. Who cares about wet clothes?” I asked seriously and opened the first jar right there.

Heaven, it tastes just like I remember it. Four jars, a jar every three days, twelve days of crunchy goodness. “Thank you,” I said.

She watches me, smiling. I caressed my box. Feels light as a feather now.

Damn…That didn’t work at all. I guess I’ll have to cross her off the list of relationships to destroy. How dare she make me feel good. I’m outraged that I feel so good!

My other neighbor though… Him, I’m DONE with him! I just have to find the reason now. I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I became a drug dealer and scammed a little old lady today.
Posted:Jul 18, 2020 6:35 pm
Last Updated:Jul 27, 2020 4:27 pm

Yes, I expect any moment the police come knocking on my door. After all, what I did was pretty much illegal.

The backstory, after my fiasco this morning. I had a headache. So I went to my local pharmacy to get some aspirin. school here, it works for me and is $4 a bottle.

I have this little lady that lives on my street, we will her Nancy…because it's her name. She was there also, wearing her mask, and arguing with the pharmacist that she needed 30 pills of the Claritin D 24 hour, not the 18 they are allowed her.

Being the crazy man that I am. I stepped up top the counter and told her I would buy another 18 for her, and we could exchange cash and drugs outside, away from cameras.

Keep in mind I know this woman and have for years. She is a very sweet lady, that walks her around the neighborhood every night. She doesn’t have a job, and who would at 88. Unlike her…I’m pretty evil.

So I bought the drugs, and went outside….

She was waiting next to her car. I didn’t suspect an ambush, but I was checking the area. I hid the drugs under my T-shirt, just in case.

“Show me the , and I’ll show you the merch,” I said in my best drug dealing tone.
She laughed at me and got out three crisp ten-dollar bills. “That all you got? This is good stuff. First cut.” I said.

She looked worried oi I changed tact.. “If that’s all you got, I guess I’ll have to give you some change back, but I’ll take my cut off the top.”

“What’s that mean?” She asked.

“You got change for a five?” I asked and pulled out my wallet. I had about thirty dollars myself in fives and ones. Unbeknownst to her, I had worked as a cashier in my teens and later as a bank teller. I had a lot of experience with short change artists. I picked up a few tricks.

The first mistake, she dug in her purse. Distraction, I took the from her hand, and while she is digging, I’m replacing tens with ones, and fives and she gets more confused the more I exchange with her.

Then, I used the drugs themselves hinder her. Placing them on her other hand, the one without the purse. In the end, I was left with just three one-dollar bills in my wallet, but she had thought she had exchanged her tens when all I did was stack them on the return I gave her, I eventually shoved all the cash into her purse because her hands were full.

Then make a big show of keeping it on the down-low.

I know…it was stupid..the whole act. In the end, she was $27 richer and had her drugs. I was out $53, or was I? It made me feel good, giving a little charity to her.
She called me later… I lied to her about having the $30 she gave me. Not my first lie for the greater good.

She shouldn’t have to suffer for these stupid restrictions, and they are stupid.
I tried to seduce a couple and failed.
Posted:Jul 17, 2020 8:10 pm
Last Updated:Jul 18, 2020 6:52 pm

In this age of COVID…things suck for me. I’m a social guy. Yes, I know, I am here. I’m not on online guy…yet. I have been IM’d by two couples….and I have failed at sending a pic to secure the meeting.

So, I reasoned it must be a lot different trying to seduce a couple than just a normal woman in person. I was in Austin, at a coffee shop when I struck up a conversation with a couple, not quite my age. I have lots of experience with social group interactions, just none to get sex from the group. I want that experience, so this was an experiment on how far I could push the boundary. Plus, it never hurts to make new friends. Sex is not the end-all for me. I like having personal connections with people, even if sex is not involved.

So I had this conversational vibe going with both of them. I mean, she was really into me, and he smiled a lot. For some reason, she had these occasional sarcastic remarks about him. I thought there were some underwater insecurity issues with her, but I liked the guy. I could tell he has a technical background. Why bring someone down like that? Each time she shot him down. I built him right back up. I could tell he wasn’t very socially experienced.

Anyway, he invited me back to their house after about thirty minutes of talk. It was bold. People that are risk-takers elevate my interest. I thought we would just exchange numbers and split. There was very little chance even that would happen. An opportunity, I accepted, drove there. They live in a really nice upscale neighborhood not too far away from there.

I parked my car upfront. Knocked on the door. He invited me in. Keep in mind I was not expecting sex at this point. All we had done was talk playfully outside the coffee shop. He offered me a drink. Sure. Water, I said. He had whiskey. Water. I have to drive.

His transition in conversation was strange to me. Just him and me in the living room talking. “So what do you think of my wife?” He asked. We had been talking about pets. They had two cats. Every owner has stories about their pets and brags on their personalities. So it was easy to get him to talk about them.

I answered with a line that got him to laugh. She wasn’t in the room. Besides my comment was right on the mark about her behavior I witnessed outside the coffee shop. I won’t tell you it, because I use it sometimes, and it's catchy.

Then, I said, “Is she getting ready for me? Or just taking her bra off?” I haven’t met a woman yet who didn’t discard her bra within minutes of coming home if she knew she was staying home. His wife had a nice set, therefore I thought hated her bra more
than women with smaller boobs, maybe all women hate their bras, don’t know.

He stared at me then, “This is really happening. She said it might. I can’t believe it.” He said. He rubbed his hands together and started pacing. He looked nervous and then started running back and forth in the living room area. “Uh,” I said. Trying to think of something to calm him down.

Finally, after three back and forth trips across the room, “She’s up the stairs, the last door on the right. Getting ready.”

“Ok. Maybe you should go get her. You seem….” I didn’t even finish before he ran out of the room. WTF? Was he getting some medication or something?

Then I heard a door slam. I walked to the kitchen area where I thought he went, confused. Only one other door besides the sliding glass door, and he didn’t go there. I could see the whole back yard area through it.

I opened the other door, and he was in his car, pulling out of the garage. HUH?
Who the fuck leaves a stranger in his home that he just met a little over an hour ago? That guy. That guy that drove off. The garage door closed as his car pulled out of the driveway.

Do I leave? There must be something wrong with him I thought. What to do? What to do? I thought I needed to at least tell his wife he was acting strange.

Hmmm… Cookie jar on the counter. I opened it. FUCK! No cookies. I put the lid back on. “Hello?!” I yelled. Nothing. A cat jumped on the counter. I petted it for a few seconds, listening to it purr.

Then I went looking for his wife, upstairs he said. Last door something…

The door was open. She was sitting on their bed watching her cell, still dressed in the clothes at the shop. She was not an unattractive woman. Thicker eyebrows than I have ever seen, but that wasn’t a deal-breaker. Shoulder length brown hair, brown eyes. She had this starry eye look that made me check behind me.

“Whatcha watching?” I asked. Her smile blossomed and made me forget about her husband.

“You walk around downstairs, then come upstairs. We have cameras all over the house.” She said.

“You do? Even in here?” I asked. I assumed she had seen what happened to him.

I couldn’t see where the cameras were. So I waved and posed, overemphasized my movements, pretended to be mime getting out of the box. She laughed and pointed to the direction of the camera in this room.

I still could not see it. A lot of knickknacks on the shelves she pointed to. I hopped on the bed, laid down with my head on the pillow and my feet facing the invisible camera. Still about three feet away from her.

I looked at her and winked. That’s all, I swear.

“You are the strangest man we’ve ever met.” She said.

“I’m sure you say that to all the men you get into your bed,” I said.

She blushed, so I pulled back my comment a little with my hand movements. It calmed her a bit.

She eased closer to me on the bed. I reached out and rubbed a strand of her brown hair. Feeling it between my fingers. She tilted her head up, getting her chin closer to me another couple inches.

I should have stopped there I guess. I couldn’t.I just felt this tension. I just knew as her nostrils flared that she wanted more. I should have asked about him. Being the douche I am, I rose up and kissed her lightly on the lips.

It progressed from there.

Touches, kisses, clothes started to be peeled away. Little by little, more and more skin was exposed. I was pleasantly surprised she was more attractive naked than clothed. I know she was surprised by me. Kept saying I had nice arms and legs, which would not have been true a couple years ago.

She kept going for my dick, and I kept teasing her with it. A little touch here, then pull away. I let it slide on her legs, then pull away. Got it close to her head, then moved away. I kept massaging, kissing, moving. I eventually just slid it up and down her slit. I enjoyed her frustration as she kept getting more forceful, till finally…

“Either put your dick in my pussy or get the fuck out. I can’t stand it any longer.” She yelled at me.

I laughed, and got on top of her fully, finally sliding my cock into her. “Oh FUCK!” She said.

“I get that a lot,” I said. ( I don't. But what else was I supposed to say?) Her hands were gripping the covers of the bed, and her neck strained. She had a grimace look on her mouth. I wasn’t sure she was cumming. Maybe it just felt really good to her.
“That was quick,” I said, watching her pant.
“Quick? It was fucking intense. You made me wait long enough. Hurry, my husband has to pick up the in twenty minutes.” She said.
Fuck! I forgot about him. “He ran off. Did I scare him?” I asked as I slow stroked.
“Stop talking and just fuck me.” She said.
I weighed the consequences in my head of him showing up with their . Inside I was laughing if he had to explain to them why I was here. Yet, the guy had issues. I’m not comfortable making any scene in front of . need security, and they need peace in the family.
I took my time to build up anyway. Trying to gauge from her reactions when to go all out.
“I knew you would be a good fuck when we first met you.” She said crudely after a while.
“Oh yeah…How?” I asked and went a little faster, breathing heavier.
“I just knew. Oh…so close…just a little more…cum in me?” She whined in a higher pitch.
I sped up. Her body shook under me and her face looked to be in almost pain. I did cum. She “Ahhhh!”’ed as I did.

Then she ruined it for me. I slowed and was going to kiss her.
“Nope! I got what I wanted. You can leave now. I keep the cookies in the pantry, you can have one or two on your way out. You were pretty good.” She said a little hostile and patted my cheek. Kissing was good before? But not after sex? I really like to kiss after, and touch…I like the good feels after the climax.

I got dressed slowly, thinking. She went into the adjacent bathroom. I didn’t bother to say goodbye. I felt numb. I walked downstairs, the door to the garage from the kitchen opened when I got there.

Her husband and two smallish girls came into the kitchen. Had twenty minutes gone by already? I looked at him feeling awkward. I put on my best face anyway.

He avoided direct eye contact and reached for his wallet.
“Dude…I don’t want any money.” I said.
“It’s my business card.” He said as he pulled it from his wallet.
I got one of mine from my wallet and handed it to him. I left. I couldn’t think of anything to say.

I was miles down the road when I got a text from him. Maybe for people on this site, this happens to them all the time. Me…this was a weird first. He thanked me?

This wasn’t what I had in mind at all. So many things I didn’t understand. Why was she mad at me? Or was she mad at him? The chemistry between them was off for me. Being told I was “pretty good” and have a cookie. Made me feel like a little . I had a different picture in my head from the get-go.

I wasn’t even going to write this post, but he texted me twice. Can the chemistry get better? Do I have to drag him upstairs? Keep in mind, I’m not gay. My expectations were so far out of whack to the reality of the situation. It feels like they have done this before, and I am new to this. Almost the first time out to try, and…this? It makes no sense to me internally. When I first tried to improve my social skills, I got hundreds of rejections before anything happened. This doesn’t feel real. Maybe I should have just left my card on the counter and not gone upstairs? Or do couples just fish online?

I really feel like I could have him as a friend. Her, not so much. Or maybe I could if we talked it out. Only I feel like she doesn’t talk things out much.

Good moments/Bad moments – they almost equal out in my head. No one to share this experience with, except here. I told him I would meet them Saturday morning on my text back. Then he texted me four freaking more times. What the fuck? I committed, that should end the conversation unless things come up. The sex was ok. That still qualifies as good. I guess I want more of a long term smolder to raging fire kind of thing. The kind where you can get to know the other person so well, a caress of a finger can turn them on. She seemed like the type of woman that starts full out from the go. Thatis not a bad thing, but it might not be my thing with her. I’ve had great relationships start with sex on the first date. I’ve had great relationships that took time to develop. Every single person has their own expectations, and I am fine with it. What I not fine with is neediness. If I stay involved will he text me everyday? It will frustrate and annoy me.
Pickle Apocalypse
Posted:Jul 16, 2020 3:31 pm
Last Updated:Jul 17, 2020 4:52 am

Today, I went into my refrigerator before getting my coffee, before my breakfast heated up, and open my jar of pickles for the last pickle in the jar.

Not just any pickle, but the Best Maid brand, Spicy Kosher pickle. This pickle…with it’s spicy, crunchy, and sour taste changed my life a while back.

I know, I know, people probably say, “That pickle didn’t save your life.”

To which I say, “I was in a bad place, craving soda all the time, , …”

With the first bite, I had changed one addiction another not so bad, if annoying the rest of my family.

I used drink soda by the case per day, and I like it. I couldn’t walk by a vending machine with soda in it, without buying one and drinking it down within minutes. I had have my “Fix”. Before work, during work, during drives, reading my books. When my were small, and I got a little angry they would run and get me a soda calm me down.

It actually put me in the hospital once. I tried cut down, and I tried stop. My brain would not let me. It NEEDED that dopamine fix.

My family tried to help me break the habit. Yet, they were not around me all the time. I started hiding cokes in my car, in the toilet tank, at work, under items in the garage fridge. Soda was my drug. Hot or cold, as long as I got the in me.

Anyway, that’s history….

I knew I needed to get help. I had a meltdown at a neighborhood party when they ran out of soda and they told me to just drink water. “WATER! WATER! FUCK WATER!” I made a terrible scene at least for them. I left the party, to go buy a 64 oz cool one at the local store.

Within a minute of drinking all of it, I felt like crap. Headache, stomach upset, and the big D……

I called my company’s “hotline”…you know…the one the company sets up for problems outside of work.

They actually told me they could not help me. My addiction wasn’t covered. I went to my former Dr. He told me to just stop drinking it. That was the last time I saw him.

Soooo...quite by accident, I listened to a podcast from Scott Adams. The creator of Dilbert and he described how to switch one addiction for another so your brain is happy. So I went searching for something else to help my brain.

Exercise, meh, diet, nope, diet soda, gag me with freight train…

I had been seeing this blond woman for about a year, and she was determined to get me to try new foods and not be so picky. Weird, I got pleasure from the sex from her, and she got pleasure torturing me with foods I never ate before. Life is always a compromise.

So, she made me a meal with Salmon. Never eaten it before she came into my life.

She added a few pickles to my plate with the rice and yucky asparagus. I later tried to hide it under my napkin.

Anyway, the Salmon, it was fine. I tried the asparagus. It wasn’t cooked like the last time she made it for me, this time it was steamed…and I gagged. She laughed at the faces I made.

Anyway, I ate a pickle. It was delicious. Not sweet, just different. Then I ate another. My brain switched in real-time from needing soda to having this pickle.

We cleaned up, had sex, and as she slept….

I opened the refrigerator to get another pickle. I crept quietly back into bed.

In the morning, she knew. I guess the pickle was on my breath. Then she went to the fridge and got another pickle.

She held it out to me…”Want it?”

“Yes…” I begged.

“I want two orgasms with your tongue, first.” She said.

“What? I would do that anyway.” I said.

“Yes, but I know you want this. I can see it in your eyes.”

So I did. I gave her a third, to push her a little.

I got my pickle, then she made me brush my teeth, which I didn’t find sexy at all when I had a raging hard-on.

I forgot about the pickle during our sex play. When we were done, she gave me another anyway and told me where she bought them.

I went and bought four jars..all they had at the store. I have been snacking on them ever since. When I feel like I need a fix… I eat a pickle. No , and practically no calories.

It takes me three days go through one jar. $3.68 a jar about 9 jars a year, about $437 a year for my addiction. Could be worse I guess.

Now…the brand changed their recipe, and it just doesn’t taste the same. I am in pickle hell, trying different ones until I find another I like.

I like sweet pickles, but I don’t want . Some dills come close…but not quite there. I have thrown away the polish styles and the Mt Olive spicy kosher Petites…Don’t like them at all.

The Best Maid brand, Spicy Kosher pickle I like has the larger pieces of garlic in it. Best Maid brand, Spicy Kosher pickle with the smaller pieces don’t taste right, but the labeling is similar…Ugh.

If you got all the way the bottom of this post. Comment on your favorite pickle if any, so I can make fun of you later.
I will commit genocide.
Posted:Jul 15, 2020 6:35 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2020 5:34 pm

Yes…I am tired of them…all of them.

They must not be allowed to multiply.

I don’t care how many other lifeforms depend on them. Do any? They will either find something else or die off. I don’t care.

They always touch me when I don’t want it.

They steal from me my own life blood.

They propagate diseases, and kill not only people, other innocent bystanders too.

I am tired of the pain of their sting.

I am tired of the itchiness, the swelling, the annoyance.

Every last mosquito must be eradicated from the earth. Join me, and do your part.

See a mosquito. Kill it!

Go team ANTI-MOS! (Hope that name isn't taken. It's catchy.) Should we get T-shirts? I feel like we need T-shirts. And Hats. Hats with a big feather and glitter.

Where's the nearest mosquito statue? I ready with my hacksaw.

Malaria carried by mosquitoes killed 380,000 Africans in 2018. I believe their lives mattered more than any mosquito.
Doing something different tonight.
Posted:Jul 14, 2020 2:37 pm
Last Updated:Jul 15, 2020 5:14 am

I am going to actively go out in public and engage a couple in couple in conversation.

My friend at work said there is a coffee shop not far from our job that couples do go after they get off work. Strange, coffee at five o'clock. I have two Starbucks near my home, but I don't drink coffee after three normally. If I was younger, maybe.

This isn't a Starbucks they congregate...so maybe its something special about the location or the atmosphere.

Since I'm looking for a new tribe, might as well start close by. I'm trying to compliment, not overcome. I'm not a lawyer. I'm a persuader. So, I won't be online until much later.

Thank you for the im's this morning from one person, and the message from the other.

The message was my actual first one from a real person. Lot of creativity in her profile.

Note to self, increase talent stack to be more visual in my profile.
I tried to seduce a couple last night and failed….bad.
Posted:Jul 13, 2020 6:58 pm
Last Updated:Jul 14, 2020 2:10 pm

I was actually pretty skeptical of this site when I first started here. Now, I know. It’s all on me.

It’s a sex site, and you would think I would have a dick picture ready to go…I don’t. I am still trying to get over the brainwashing of my upbringing. I had no problem posing for some shots for women I was seeing.

I can’t seem to get over my primal fear of the picture being used against me, since one was when I was a . That picture circulated among the parents of my high school for my entire four years there. It caused me a lot of problems. Popular nerd with his dick hanging down between his legs on a moon shot, yep that was me. I should have been proud, instead I was embarrassed by it. I thought I had rooted out embarrassment long ago.

I have gone years without feeling the emotion. Life throws you a curve ball sometimes. I am going to have to work on a system to overcome it.

I have now been invited twice…cell numbers, and face pictures, body picture, no problem.

Dick picture? Nope...Deal breaker it seems. Two separate couples now, two photo exchanges…and I blew it because I couldn’t send a picture of my dick.

What's even funnier to me, is my social group would just accept it. Most of them have seen me half dressed anyway. Showing up at my door at weird times. I should have been the neighbor that yells at the to "GET OFF MY LAWN!" Instead of the one that built them a lemonade stand. Those cranky old guys are smarter than me.

Weird, I had no problem being shot at, being yelled at, speaking in front of thousands of people...and yet I can't take single picture of my anatomy? My fellow soldiers would not believe it since I didn't care when someone stole my towel in the barracks. I just walked back to my room naked. Talekd to my platoon sergeant's wife on route and my next door room mate's girl friend and didn't care. Shit always happens in the barracks.
Discovered I was immortal today
Posted:Jul 12, 2020 11:07 am
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2020 11:17 am

For anyone that's known for a long time, I've struggled spiritually.

Grew up as a Baptist.
Changed Catholicism for love.
Researched Islam, Buddhism, Taoism, and also environmentalism. I regret the last one. The others taught me something valuable, environmentalism taught me be evil. Anyway I digress.

I have been brainwashed recently, and it has been the most uplifting experience of my life. I finally understand my purpose, and it was so subtle I didn't know I had been doing most of it all along.

My came visit today and brought his friends with him.
It was a pretty diverse group. That didn't surprise , they are good boys.

What surprised was when one said, "Dude, stop looking at your cell when you talk to us. You're here with us, be with us."

I had to do a double take. It wasn't coming from my . It was coming from the nineteen year college football player that was part of this group. He was talking the grocery bagger that was still in high school.

Then he went on. "I used be like you. Checking my cell every five minutes. Then I was called out on it. It made a better person. I want you be a better person."

It was the same speech I gave this when he started coming over my house at fourteen.

The others in the group nodded. Obviously, they were brain washing him in front of with their peer pressure. Then other strategies I had mentioned the boys started coming out during their discussions. Emphasized the youngest.

So, I asked my after they had left. "Where did that come from? I hadn't seen him before."

"Jeff met him in the grocery store. You know how we are. Remember how you made friends with that guy walking around in the sports store?" he said.

"Yes. He's the manager of that store now." I said.

"We watched you. You coached us on how to let someone feel better around you even if you are not happy?"

"So.." I said.

"He has no friends Dad at school He was feeling miserable, working there, invisible. He needed a tribe to belong to, just like you taught us. Jeff was the most popular guy in school when he went there, and you showed him how to include people instead of excluding them. We have a different filter, as you call it."

"My , why are you over-explaining things to me? I just wondered where he came from."

"I learned that from you." He said laughing.

There it is. My immortality, right in front of me. I'm leaving that behind, not only to my , but like virus to people they encounter in their lives.

My good, my bad, displayed right in front of me.
So depressed with my new setup
Posted:Jul 9, 2020 6:11 pm
Last Updated:Jul 11, 2020 12:34 pm

My current computer is kinda ...eight years.

I just bought a brand new rig, and it won't freaking log into this site.

I tried looking at the router settings, my firewall, etc...

Nothing seems to work. Why does this site work on a 8 year system and not my newest build?

Two days of troubleshooting, I think I narrowed it down the network adapter, which makes no sense. It's brand new. I never had an adapter not work right out of the box.

Hard drives, memory, even bad motherboards. I bought one online...waiting.
My 2nd story submission- "Terri's Drama Chapter 002"
Posted:Jul 6, 2020 6:35 pm
Last Updated:Jul 18, 2020 7:08 pm

Nope...I ain't in it yet. The build-up is taking freaking forever. Where is SilyconBond? You may ask. At this point in the story, I was in Taiwan. Being hit on by my gay supervisor, and that's a really long story. I'm never writing that one. There was kung-fu, lots of bruises left on me, and eventually, I was kicked out of a completely different country. Oh and that supervisor, he got promoted. Bastard.

Love Tawain. The people I met there are fucking awesome. I made friends there, that fifteen years later are still my friends.

I do remember "Terri" bitching at me to change the hair color from the reddish-brown to auburn when I emailed her the first draft. My God, I didn't fucking know there was a difference. Never mind the obvious spelling errors even I could see, she wanted her "exact" color written about before she read the rest of it. So every time I see her now, I make up some color from the descriptions I read from the paint color samples she sent me. Each of the six cards could have described "her" hair color.

Me: "Hey Terri, your Inca Brown hair looks great today in your company photo."
Her: "Asshole, I haven't changed my photo and you know it."
Me: "You sure? Oh wait, the angle of light on my monitor, I think it is...it is...maybe auburn?"

Then we talk about things...sometimes we even talk about work.

The approval process seems odd to me, but whatever.
My first story submission- "Terri's Drama Chapter 001"
Posted:Jul 5, 2020 5:47 pm
Last Updated:Aug 4, 2021 10:36 pm

I submitted the first chapter of a story I have been working for a while. "Terri's Drama Chapter 001", in the erotic story section of this site.

I am not in it, yet. Not for a lot of chapters, but I do know the main characters first hand. "Terri" - Not her real name, proofread this first part for me.

It gets complicated, like everything in life. I wanted to submit this story to another place, but could not get validated by them. They don't even answer their email apparently.

It's lengthy. So, I'm cutting it in chunks.

It's an original piece inspired by people I met in Utah. I have been to the locations and Terr's home. I would appreciate someone actually commenting on it before I post the next chapters. The first chapter feels "wordy" to me....but Terri loved it. I had to rewrite it eight times for her. I plan on sending comments made by people back to her, so please keep her in mind and be gentle.

Mighty, Mighty Out.
Fourth of July, Wasn’t my night on so many levels. #0006
Posted:Jul 5, 2020 12:53 pm
Last Updated:Aug 4, 2021 10:36 pm

First, I was home alone, reading one of the modules here on the sex academy. Thinking, maybe this would help educate me on something new. The first two chapters of the module were making the sale of using sex toys. It didn’t exactly line the title of the class, but what the hell. I like using toys, and I did learn something new. I could refer to toys as tools. OMG! I am so good at using tools. Especially modifying them or manipulating them into doing something completely different.
I’ve never had a difficult time selling the idea of using them, and the first two chapters were devoted mostly to that.

It brought back memories, of the petite blond I had a crush on, us experimenting in her bedroom with several. Of the Nigerian woman whose skin was so exotically dark black, and her smile lit the room. Of the Taiwanese woman, I bought several for her use when I wasn’t around. Of the Hispanic woman who loved butt plugs.

of which live several hundred miles away or more tonight.

Then I got an invitation from a couple on this site…Hmmm…It was direct and to the point. I loved it, only….for the first hour, their replies back to took twenty minutes each text. So as I tried to continue my tutorial, and the stupid thing does not go automatically start on the last page you were on. It starts on page 1 for the chapter every time you get back to it.
Argh! Getting more anxious by the moment, this was my first real-life meetup potential since I joined a couple of days ago.

They wanted pictures. Dreading it, I took the security stickers off my cell so I could take one of my face. I sent them the pic, then my neighbor came over to borrow an extension cord for his Mom’s ventilator.

He handed me this melted plastic white cord and said it could have burned the house down. Looking at it, I believed him. I have higher amperage rated cords. No problem looks like the meetup was still going to happen. I let my neighbor talk.

Then the couple requested a dick pic. I was laughing, and I wanted to drop shorts then. I didn’t have one. I have never taken a picture of my dick.

My neighbor kept talking and what he said wasn’t making any sense while I was thinking how to get this stupid pic. So I resigned to ease my neighbor's fears by going to look at where he plugged the cord in. If his Mom didn’t get back on the machine soon, he would have to take her the emergency room. Secretly, I was hoping she would die before anything could be done. She is not a nice lady. She berates him a lot, and when I have called her out on it, she does her “I’m the victim here routine.”

Fuck! After looking at the receptacle, I went back to my house to get my multimeter. My fucking cord that I gave him was fifty feet long. Long enough to reach every outlet on his second floor. His Mom has a dog, that chews on power cords. WTF? The white cord was exposed in her room and the had chewed it. It shorted, and the breaker did trip.

Only, the breaker would not turn back on. Or rather, I could turn it on, and it didn’t work. I pulled the breaker and tested it. He needed a new breaker. All the fucking stores close early that we could get one from. He didn’t have a spare circuit that wasn’t essential to supporting his mom in some way. Her little refrigerator, can’t use that one. Keeps her meds cold. Can’t use the one for the TV, because although it's in the next fucking room, she listens to it to fall asleep. Plus, if he ran the cord to another outlet in the house outside that room that would chew up MY cord. ARGH!

Simple solution, I took a breaker from my own house. Now, I couldn’t use the microwave until I get him a new breaker, or me. I don’t trust him to buy the right kind. He’s a painter and is so good at it. I have seen him paint perfectly straight lines that go across rooms with no tape. It’s impressive to me anyway.

However, he is so clumsy around anything that’s not a paintbrush in his hand. The screwdriver that he borrowed, came back bent. He left my crescent wrench on the back of his friend’s truck, and forgot it, till his friend drove away. The truck hit the end of the driveway, and the wrench ricocheted into his car windshield that was parked on the street.

I heard the fireworks, as I was moving a heavy dresser to cover up my cord. How can such sweet be attached to this person, and have this one strange habit? I have babysat the at my house a couple of times. She chewed through an exposed PC power cord within moments after I left the room. I had extra, but it was annoying at the time.

Anyway, I’ve known him for years. I had to choose and it sucked ass. Just as I finished, walking back to the house, ready to follow up with the couple. My youngest called freaking out. There was drama at his house, and he begged me to come over. At least he perceived it as the end of the world. Ugh, to be nineteen again.

I went. Solved his issue, and it took a lot of time. I was exhausted and hungry by the time I got back home. I had to run a fucking extension cord to my microwave to eat one of my prepared meals. Really believing I made the wrong choice.

In my mind, I felt awful. Not because of what I did, but because I really believed I let that couple down. I was home all day yesterday, nobody IM’d me then. I messaged people back when they messaged me first. I have only initiated one text so far to a female who this site says reads my profile at least ten times. Why would anyone keep returning to reread my profile? It’s in flux right now. I haven’t had enough people tell me how bad it sucks yet. I think the notification alarm is buggy.

I am stupidly ignorant of contacting people via text or email that is not business-related. Every single encounter or experience I’ve had that led to sex, started with a face to face introduction, or…they contacted me first via email. I have heard of guys doing it but I don’t know any guys that tell me they do anymore. I obviously don’t have the right kind of friends yet.

This site was recommended to me by a female I met at the grocery store. However, she didn’t stay local long enough for her to actually show me the hidden rules. She just used me for sex and flew away. The day I signed up, she was getting on a plane to the Bahamas. So I have been playing around with the profile, the questions, and starting a blog. Casually reading a few other blogs. I don’t have the skill set or creative design some of the ones I read.

Plus, there are so many. Too many. And from the ones I read, there are factions. Plus, some sort of weird drama going on between several. How am I to choose which faction to belong to? Or will a faction just adopt me into their group if I am here long enough?

Plus, how do I praise someone when I don’t know if it will affect their current social standing here? I’m just going to have to message them privately I guess. I’m pretty low status at the moment, tagging yourself to me publicly might not be a good idea for anyone right now. I’ve seen it happen a lot of times, the new guy gets stuck with the most awful mentor ever, and it’s difficult to coach them away from their practices the longer they are exposed. I do not have a mentor here, yet. Any volunteers? I’ll buy coffee and we can talk shop.

I have only been here days, and I have been treated fairly, nicely, and am humbled by messages I have received so far.

The ice breaker messages confuse the hell out of me. Because I found out they are not actually being sent by the sender, thank you the other nice couple that pointed that out. The “flirting” button…Huh? The eight I have received so far, don’t feel real at . Can’t put my finger it yet. Why would I be getting any flirts anyway? I haven’t reached out anyone with my intention yet.

I read on a blog somewhere 48 million people use this site. I know several software engineers that could fix my annoyances with this site. It doesn’t feel like the providers of this service actually use it. Am I wrong on this? The site seems wonky. Why hide the instant button? The sex academy always defaults to page 1? How come I have to scroll through several pages instead of having a drop-down of the last page I was on. Plus, why am I get notices from the same person reading my profile? If they read it once, it should send a notice, and only that first one. Not ten. If she was really interested…She would open with something like…. “Hi”, yup. Easy.

Mighty, Mighty Out.

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