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Introspection
Posted:Sep 27, 2020 7:15 am
Last Updated:Oct 21, 2020 8:32 am
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in·tro·spec·tion
/ˌintrəˈspekSH(ə)n/

noun
the examination or observation of one's own mental and emotional processes.

The word itself is not threatening in any way. In fact, it seems like a healthy thing that we should all be doing on a regular basis. But i find myself on a cold fall day, mired and freezing in the swamps of my own mind, fighting my demons. Love lost, opportunities missed or squandered....mistakes made. I’ve tried learn and grow as a human being from each of them. I’ve never used trauma and hardship as a crutch, and I have always been able dust myself off and keep going. But I find myself unsure of who “I” am. And what I want. Everything that used seem important , seems petty and insignificant. I’ve been on a spiritual journey for some time now and I feel like I’ve stalled. I have learned that there is no meaning any of this...and in some way that gives my life more meaning, knowing that I have complete control over my destiny. I usually find comfort in the fact that humans are one and the same, in that the only thing separating us is our ego and sense of being. And our conscious soul which is such a mystery. Should I feel enlightened that I have no sense of self? I don’t.

I find myself clinging materialistic beliefs and wants. And yearning for things that I know will bring no satisfaction beyond fleeting joy and gratification. The constant contradiction and irony. Yearning for something, only finally receive it And have it not meet expectation or something else. The shine on everything new eventually fades.

I know this all comes off as cynical and pessimistic. I’m just struggling this year find meaning. The things that used bring joy, have become a painful reminder. I know this Is a phase and I will bac But the cliche “the grass is always greener” is ringing very tRue . I’ve been on a path of self discovery this year. But in that journey, I’ve discovered that I never really liked myself. And I’ve been hiding behind my skills and attributes, mask my true feelings.

I truly believe that no one will ever really love or even like you, if you do not have those feelings about yourself. I’m not perfect. No one is. But as humans that imperfection makes us different and distinct. And perfectly beautiful In our own way. I still have a spark in that still wants grow and learn and find joy, however fleeting. I guess sometimes you have let yourself fall into the mire, and be trapped in it to appreciate the good and the freedom of human life.

Or maybe I just miss her and I’m struggling still. Trying to find purpose and meaning in this sometimes meaningless existence.

I’m sure no one will take the time to read all of this. But if you did, thank you for indulging my self absorbed rambling. In short, I guess as much as I have learned, I still know nothing. Now, back to my introspection......
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